I Do Not Know if Anthony is With God

It is one thing to say God is good when things are going well. But saying that God is good when your kid is dead from suicide and he was a grown man who had free will and you know he rejected God when he was in his right mind and did things you’re not proud of — that is a whole other thing. I don’t have the comfort of having an innocent child who died. I do not know if Anthony is with God.

I’ve come to accept that, because one day I will be in front of God and I’ll get my answers because God is good. But for right now, my grief and my heartbreak is not the same as others who do have the comfort of knowing their children are with God. It annoys me so much when people say “I know your son is with God.” No you don’t. Just pray for his soul and be quiet. Thanks.

What really breaks me is the fact that the last time I saw Anthony, my brain shorted out and I didn’t even have the sense to hold him one last time. For the last two years, looking at the Pieta makes me feel like a failure. That’s just the truth. Mary had the sense to hold her Son.

My brain made a list of things I needed to do, like wash the dishes so the cops wouldn’t walk into a dirty kitchen. That is my reality. I don’t always find comfort in God or Mary or the death of Jesus. I find comfort in being angry and yelling about how unfair it all is. There’s no healing there, but I keep going back to it to feel a little comfort.

Two steps forward, forty-seven backwards. But the sun keeps shining, God keeps holding me up, and I just take life one breath at a time. God is good, even when I suck. And that comforts me.


Leticia Ochoa Adams is a writer living in Texas. Her personal website is Leticia Ochoa Adams. She is working to create the Red Door Foundation and writing a memoir about her life and how she found healing through therapy and Catholicism, even as things kept crashing down in her life. Her previous article for Hour of Our Death is I Put a Christmas Tree on Anthony’s Grave and her other articles can be found here.

The picture is a cropped version of a picture by W. Carter, who released it into the public domain.

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