My Father’s Death Was a Relief

They became strange talismans, those handkerchiefs I inherited from my father. Given everything that led up to it, my father’s death was a relief. Yet I cannot toss them out. These are the only personal items I claimed upon his death.

We had a problematic relationship. Adopted, an only child, there was never any real connection between us, apart from whatever bond living under the same roof for eighteen years makes. I came to understand him better over the years, but I am absolutely certain he never once understood me. After a while, I didn’t care if he did or didn’t. But at the same time of course I did.

A Tough Man

He was a tough man: harsh, critical, with an explosive temper. He bragged he had never read a book, not in his whole life. The only thing he ever did in his school library, so he said, was stash whiskey behind some books. He also eschewed newspapers, so he was a sometimes colossally ignorant man and perversely stubborn in his thinking. The Great Depression turned him into a dour, often grim individual, seeing disaster and financial collapse and “mafia” manipulation everywhere, all the time. To invert what Mark Twain said of himself and his father, I was never amazed between ages sixteen and twenty-one, not once, at how much the old man had learned in five short years.

Dad’s own childhood, the little I learned of it, wasn’t much. Born into the life of a Kansas tenant farmer, he was made to leave home when he was sixteen. With two younger children at home, his parents — my grandparents — simply could not afford keeping him around. That would explain his money fears. He took a job as a stable boy at the Longview Farm south of Kansas City, something like fifty cents a day with room and board.

His life was headed nowhere until he met my mother. Her Kansas City family had small but important political connections: My grandfather was a local union president. Dad joined the union with his father-in-law’s sponsorship and became a skilled millwright and carpenter. The singular thing I admired about him, really the only thing, was how he would set out to build a thing and, simply, he would build it. He was one of those rare individuals who could picture a physical thing in his head and construct it from mental blueprints, if it involved fire and iron and steel, a grinder and a metal drill press. He could not explain how he did it. He simply “saw” it and did it.

The Distance Between Us

“He was a man of his generation,” I read once of another father. “He never said he loved me and he never asked about my feelings.” This I suspect was probably the distance between us. I was surprised, chastened, to see his grandchildren — my four sons and three daughters — weep at his funeral. I regret I did not know him as they did.

I cannot account for my attachment to the handkerchiefs. One of those extraordinary little twists of feeling and sentiment we experience upon encountering death, a relationship severed with no chance of repair. No doubt it will pass in time when, as a prayer book asserts, we are granted “perfect fulfillment and joy.”

 

Russell E. Saltzman, a former Lutheran pastor, entered the Catholic Church in 2016. He writes a regular column for First Things and for Aleteia, and was the long-time editor of The Forum Letter. A version of this first appeared on “First Thoughts,” the website of First Things.

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